上回寫「愛情決勝點」(Match Point)時，曾說要整理一些伍迪艾倫(Woody Allen)這位酸老頭的名言，以下就是我心中的伍迪艾倫十大名言，以及其他我認為非常好笑的話。
所謂「十大」是依照我自己的評選標準，所以絕對主觀。
***
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
這麼短短一句話，表達了「我一生都是個大遺憾」，那種酸氣，那種憤世嫉俗，天哪，我完全懂他的心情，有時候我真希望自己是某部片裡面的角色。
***
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
每個人都怕死，伍迪至少很誠實，他不太可能是那個勸你不要怕的偽君子。
***
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
我的觀念是，即使有上帝，他也不會理我。
***
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
這也是我的人生目標，只是不一定是靠拍電影。安慰別人從來不是我的長處，我只知道如何消滅別人的希望。
***
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
我覺得亞洲國家更是如此吧。
***
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
伍迪艾倫最愛開人生的玩笑了。
***
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
這是我高中時代第一次讀"Annie Hall"的劇本時，最震撼也最愛的一句話。多麼正確！多麼精準！我是從那時開始迷上伍迪艾倫的。
***
其他某些我覺得也很好笑的名言，就列在下面讓大家欣賞吧。
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Most of the time I don't have any fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever. (unrequited: 無報答的；得不到報酬的)
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
To me nature is…spiders eating bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plants, and animals eating…It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only...only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
所謂「十大」是依照我自己的評選標準，所以絕對主觀。
***
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
這麼短短一句話，表達了「我一生都是個大遺憾」，那種酸氣，那種憤世嫉俗，天哪，我完全懂他的心情，有時候我真希望自己是某部片裡面的角色。
***
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
每個人都怕死，伍迪至少很誠實，他不太可能是那個勸你不要怕的偽君子。
***
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
我的觀念是，即使有上帝，他也不會理我。
***
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
這也是我的人生目標，只是不一定是靠拍電影。安慰別人從來不是我的長處，我只知道如何消滅別人的希望。
***
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
我覺得亞洲國家更是如此吧。
***
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
伍迪艾倫最愛開人生的玩笑了。
***
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
這是我高中時代第一次讀"Annie Hall"的劇本時，最震撼也最愛的一句話。多麼正確！多麼精準！我是從那時開始迷上伍迪艾倫的。
***
其他某些我覺得也很好笑的名言，就列在下面讓大家欣賞吧。
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Most of the time I don't have any fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever. (unrequited: 無報答的；得不到報酬的)
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
To me nature is…spiders eating bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plants, and animals eating…It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only...only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
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