有一段時間我非常迷戀4AD廠牌的專輯,Lisa Germano的動人專輯"Excerpts From A Love Circus"就是這段時間買的。

Lisa的歌詞有個特點,就是常專注在人際關係﹝包括與情人的關係﹞帶來的壓力與痛苦,對於有自閉與自溺人格的我,以往常常聽著聽著就飆淚了。當你對自己以外的人事物都沒有信心的時候,Lisa Germano可以讓你更自溺。

這張專輯裡還有其他很棒的歌,但今天我想介紹的是"Singing to the Bird"。還記得第一次專心聽這首歌的狀況。前面有不少歌詞都在幫忙鋪陳情緒,而到了歌曲過了中段之後,Lisa用她精準無比的歌詞完全把我擊敗,第一個引爆點是"It's partly sunny, partly rain, mostly curious or full of pain. You got to learn to count on someone. 'cause it's mostly pain." 我一直不懂該怎麼"count on someone",但是某些很受傷的時刻,真會希望自己了解該怎麼"count on someone"。

第二個引爆點﹝請忽略前面兩句而注意第三句﹞是"You could learn to love yourself. You could learn to love yourself. You could even be yourself." 我對「愛自己」這種概念很厭煩,如果一個人要別人提醒他愛自己,我也不知道該怎麼說了,但是Lisa Germano接在"love yourself"概念後的那句話,對我實在太震撼了。我當然很愛自己,但當身邊有別人時,我通常不是自己,因為我不敢。最近看到資深女演員黛安基頓(Diane Keaton),說她很渴望穩定的家庭生活但無法進入婚姻,因此她不結婚而領養小孩自己扶養,她說:「在交往過程中,我常努力當個容易溝通的伴侶,怕對方不悅或為了取悅對方而隱藏了真正的自己,所以等到真正的"我"出現時,兩人世界就產生了問題。」她雖然指的是情侶關係,但對我來說,她指的問題可以延展到我與其他所有人的狀況。於是,當Lisa用她撫慰人心的聲音唱著"You can EVEN be yourself"的時候,我就忍不住了。我想,只有極端想要隱藏自己的人,可以理解Lisa的那個"EVEN"有多麼精準吧。

以上是特別讓我感動的部分,而從整首歌來看,它的概念也是非常感人的。前面的段落,Lisa吟唱著,如果一切都不如你的預期,你一個人孤零零在這兒,該怎麼辦呢?

但如果只是這樣,就太平淡膚淺了。Lisa不可能只有這點功力。於是在第二段,她說,如果一切都很美好呢?你沒有浪費時間,所有的傷都自動癒合,你的夢想多采多姿…但即使如此,你還是一個人孤零零在這兒。那麼該怎麼辦呢?

對鳥兒歌唱吧。人生有晴有雨,通常是難以理解或充滿痛苦。你得學著依靠別人,因為人生通常都是苦。你可以學著愛自己,你甚至可以做自己…

以下是這首歌的歌詞與音樂。最近我聽這首歌不會哭了,倒是能催眠,這幾天嚴重失眠,直到聽這首歌才讓我進入夢鄉。所以若你跟我一樣自閉又失眠,聽聽看這首吧。

Singing to the birds



So what if your heroes changed their minds
And all you thought was right flew out the window
And all you based your life on wasn't real

So what if your hero sells its soul
And all your wildest dreams seem dull and dreary
And all your secret thoughts seem cheap and lonesome

What you going to do so all alone now

Singing to the birds
Singing to the birds
Singing to the birds
Singing

So what if your hero fades away
And all the things you thought were orange were gray now
Who is it who brings you some new colors

So what if your hero never was
What you going to do
So all alone there

Singing to the birds
Singing to the birds
Singing

It's partly sunny, it's partly rain, mostly curious
Or full of pain
You could learn to love yourself
Singing to the birds

And what if your hero never was
And all the time you wasted wasn't real
And all your wounds decided just to heal
And all your wildest dreams were full of color
And all your secret thoughts belonged to you
What you going to do so all alone here

Singing to the birds
Singing to the birds
Singing to the birds
Singing

It's partly sunny, partly rain, mostly curious or full of pain
You got to learn to count on someone
'Cause it's mostly pain
And it's kind of curious when it rains and
You could learn to love yourself
You could learn to love yourself
You could even learn to be yourself
Singing to the birds


如果聽了還想繼續沉溺於這種音樂,下一首"Messages from Sophia"更會叫人心痛。不過,那樣大概就睡不著了。

"Messages from Sophia"

這首歌本身就教人難過了,如果你知道這首歌的背後故事,會更被Lisa的歌聲感動。她有一天回到家,聽到電話答錄機有法國女人的性感聲音,她自然明白發生什麼事情,然而她的男友打死不承認外遇,Lisa只能看著他,讓這件事情過去,於是"Messages from Sophia"就成了一首淒美心碎的歌曲。

每當我聽到中段如潮浪般的"Lies, liar, lies, liar, lies, liar"……我都會跟著哭。我沒有過她那樣的男友外遇經歷,但是想到人際關係中不可避免的彼此欺騙,或是你知道別人正當你的面騙你的時候,情緒就會如這段音樂一樣,一波波的lies…liar…lies…然後,平靜回到鋼琴聲,反正也只能平靜下來,因為你無法改變什麼。結尾的耶誕節音樂更是讓人心碎,聽了就會明白。

Messages from Sophia



You can carry me home now
You can carry me home
I'm drunk and you're tired
We haven't talked for a while

You can carry a lie
'Till it makes you fall down
You can't help me
Be quiet
I couldn't touch you right now

You couldn't care if i died
But I haven't finished quite yet
Couldn't you give me a moment
Let me catch my breath

Lies, liar, lies, liar, lies, liar

You can carry me home now
You can carry me home
I'm drunk and it's christmas
We haven't talked for a while
You can carry me home now
Would you just carry me home

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